Hypnosis and Weight Loss

Today I called my old yoga instructor and made an appointment for hypnosis. I don't know if I even believe in hypnosis, but I think that it's definitely worth a try. About seven years ago my father mentioned to me that he was hypnotized by her so that he could stop smoking, and that the method was very successful. So I am crossing my fingers that it will work to help me lose weight and make more healthy lifestyle decisions.

I suspect that if anything that it signifies that I really mean business this time. For me to shell out $250 for four hypnosis sessions shows how much I really want to help myself change. I have my first session this coming Thursday evening and I just can't wait to sit in that chair and experience whatever it is that I am going to experience.

Have you ever been hypnotized? How did it go? What were the results? If not, do you believe that hypnosis works??

Minimizing the Negativity

I'm at a point in my life where I just can't tolerate the negativity that is out there in the world. I go to work every day to work in a dysfunctional public school system with dysfunctional adults who all treat another like crap. My whole day consists of taking complaints and solving problems for parents, schools and adults.  There is rarely a day when there isn't some kind of crisis or negativity at work.

Lately I have noticed that when I come home I am assaulted with more negativity. I have family members who call me with a problem or a crisis, or even just to vent about something. Then I turn on the news only to see murder and mayhem, or some stupid politician saying something that really pisses me off. I've also gotten into a really bad habit of watching reality series like Housewives of X, Y, or Z-you name it. It just occurred to me that listening to women bickering on television is causing me more stress.

I feel that there is a lot that I can't control at work, but I do know that I can choose to react in a certain way. I am trying to not let the negativity get to me and I have been better at coping with it. My home life really needs to change, however. I need to somehow figure out a way to draw stricter boundaries with some of my negative family members or family members who just oh so love all the drama that they create for themselves. But how do I do that without being an insensitive bitch?

A huge problem that I know that I need to address are my internet habits. Twitter used to be a lifeline for me, a place where I connected with people who have similar interests. Lately it just seems like a lot of noise with constant updates of things that stress me out. It's a hard thing to balance because I am a political junkie. But at some point, it stops being about politics and it turns into just freaking craziness that I just don't want to deal with anymore. It makes me sad because I love politics.

I also know that I need to address my television habits. I used to hate reality shows, and then one day I decided that I needed to watch something on television that made my brain numb. I started watching the Housewives franchise, and then came Jersey Shore (wow, that's embarrassing to admit), the Kardashians and all their spin offs and other shows like Basketball Wives. This week I listened to women bickering and screaming at one another on television, and other women making excuses for their womanizing boyfriends...and I realized that something has to change with what I am watching on television.

I admit that it's going to be really hard to change my television and internet habits. I am going to have to dig deep into what I am watching and start little by little to watch other things. I really need to explore what I am watching and why I am watching it, and maybe I don't need to cut out all of my shows. For example, I watch Ice Loves Coco and it makes me so damn happy that they are such a cute couple who is so happy together! Regarding twitter, I started another twitter account where I am going to try to have a more positive dialogue and also monitor the time that I spend on twitter. I'm taking baby steps in the right direction. Something has got to change! =)

Sticking to My Goals

In my last post I blogged about how I have been suffering from burnout as a result of being overworked. I identified five simple things that I wanted to do over the weekend to try to take my mind off of work so that I can unwind and heal. I'm desperate to get my mojo back. The five goals were:

• Take a nap each day and get at least 8 hours of sleep each night.
• Go to the gym if I wasn't feeling sick or take a walk if it wasn't raining.
• Watch a silly movie on television.
• Read a book for fun.
• Talk on the phone to a friend that I haven't spoken with in a while. 

Unfortunately I didn't necessarily complete all of my goals, but I feel that I did make some progress towards meeting some. This is my progress:

•  Each day I tried to have 8 hours of sleep, but I maybe slept for about six or seven hours. I didn't take a nap. 
• I didn't go to the gym or walking. 
• I watched a movie on television called "Young Adult". I didn't care for it much. But I also watched a television show that I like called "In Plain Site" and another called "The Good Wife". 
• On Saturday I went to urgent care to get some treatment for a cold. I didn't necessarily read a book for fun, but I took a book with me to read in the waiting room. Perhaps I will dedicate at least 30 minutes tonight to read. What happened to those days when I used to be able to read for hours?
• I did call a friend that I haven't spoken to in a while, but she wasn't home. However, I picked up another friend for lunch yesterday and then we drove around town in the rain and looked at houses for sale. It was so fun and I can't wait to do it again!

I feel like I want to add more goals, but something tells in me inside that I need to try to stick to the goals that I set and work towards meeting them over the rest of the week. Wish me luck! 

Kicking Burnout's Ass

I have always been a workaholic and to some extent I still am. I am currently suffering from extreme burnout. I try to hide and mask it because I feel that it's a sort of weakness, but deep inside I know how burned out I feel and I realize that I have lost some of my productivity. Over a decade of working twelve hours a day, six or seven days a week, and having my private life revolve around nothing but my work field has finally caught up to me.

The burnout manifests itself in a number of ways. Lately I have been sick all the time-since January I have suffered from three colds and I have currently relapsed with another. I am irritated, impatient, and constantly lose my temper. Sometimes I feel depressed, overwhelmed, and emotional. My body constantly aches and I always feel exhausted. I can't concentrate. Sometimes I want to change careers, although I adore my job. I know that something is just drastically wrong and something needs to change.

About four years ago, I went through an extremely hard time at work. I lost close friends and two mentors who I cherished and adored. People who I trusted turned on me. I became a manager and didn't have a secretary for the first year. I was forced to work overtime because I had no secretary, people turned on me, and one of my workers stole important content from me that I had to replace myself in order to save face. I had to work my ass off, and since then I have never felt the same.

Those who know me well also know that before I became a manager that I also overworked myself. It was in large part a defense mechanism of being in a relationship with someone who got himself into a little bit of trouble and served time in prison. In order for me to deal with the pain, humiliation, and loss, as well as coping with staying in a faithful relationship with someone who served a significant amount of time in prison, I turned to my work to maintain my sanity. I worked so that I wouldn't worry about him. I worked so that I wouldn't get lonely. I worked so that the time would pass by quickly, that I would become successful, and so that I wouldn't perceive the time that he was gone as being wasted time. And then I got slapped in the face when I became a manager with a tough year and a half of my life. And since then I have never been the same.

The habit of overworking myself has stuck with me and I even turn what should be relaxing into a chore. If I'm going on vacation, well, then I've got to start a blog about it. If I am reading a book then I feel like I have to blog about it. It's a hard habit to break. I'd even say that it is a severe addiction. Do they have a workaholics anonymous 12 step program??

Today on the positivity blog, I read the article 5 Simple Ways to Not Be Overwhelmed and Drained By Your Work. The article hit home to me and inspired me to set more boundaries in my life to come out of the rut that I am currently in. It reminds me that I need to take time out to take care of myself and sometimes rest is the best thing that we need to do. As I am at home sick this weekend, I am going to make sure that I:

• Take a nap each day and get at least 8 hours of sleep each night. 
• Go to the gym tomorrow if I am not feeling too sick, or go for a walk if it isn't raining.
• Watch a silly movie on television.
• Read a book for fun.
• Talk on the phone to a friend that I haven't spoken with for a while.

I feel like the first step that I must take is admitting that I have a problem. I also need to come up with action steps of things that I am going to do just for myself that aren't related to my profession. I'm going to try to blog about some tangible things that I am going to do, just for me, to make me happy and make me feel rested and at peace. I am going to kick burnout's ass, once and for all. I am taking my life and health back. I can do this!!

Reconnecting With Me

I am going through some major growing pains in my life. Perhaps I am even having a freaking mid life crisis. It sounds funny to say that, but sadly, I suspect that I am. I don't know where I belong anymore. What used to once be important to me is now maybe not so important. I am so confused about life lately. My life used to revolve around work and ambition, but now it just seems so much less important to me anymore.

It's grown to be so confusing to me that I don't even know on which blog to write anymore. I have a number of blogs with various topics. I want a personal blog, but nothing seems to really fit me. I have always had compartmentalized blogs-one about feminism, another about health, another about education, another about books. I can go on and on. But lately I just can't seem to be compartmentalized anymore.

I am so confused because I have so many various perspectives and interests. I am afraid to write about all of the topics because I am afraid that I will turn off a reader who is interested in one topic when I am blogging about another. For example, do my educator friends want to hear about feminism? Or politics? Or books? Or walking? Or health? Or having a baby? Or activism?

For months, maybe even going on a year, I have been having this dilemma when it comes to blogging. Tonight I signed on to feminism and motherhood blog to blog about the process of getting ready to have a baby. I just sat and stared at the screen and realized that I don't consider my identity to be primarily dominated by motherhood, so I just don't feel like my femimommy.com blog is going to suffice. I then signed on to my feminism blog. But many of my feminism readers aren't educators, so why bore them with lots of information about education? And then it just occurred to me to throw it all away and start anew here. Here is a place where I will write for me, and write about topics that make me happy and interest me.

I've struggled with wondering if I should tell my close friends about my new blogging endeavor. I have always blogged anonymously and have loved the freedom. A couple of months ago, I felt that anonymous blogging isn't enough. But tonight as I sit here, I have decided that I will tell about five people about this blog, but I also won't hide who I am from this blog. And I plan on being open and honest on this blog-even if it means that there may one day be a backlash.

Well, I first started this blog post in angst and now I feel free. I am glad that you have made it this far through the post. I feel happy that I am finally doing something for myself, because lord knows that all I do all of my life is serve other people and am obligated to meeting the needs of others. I am looking forward to reconnecting with my old self and discovering the new self that I am transforming into. Welcome and thanks for joining me on my journey.

What Dr. King Means to Me

Every year on Martin Luther King day, I always like to sit and reflect on the philosophy of Dr. King. It's really not much of a special day to me, honestly. I choose to live my life trying to aspire to many of the principles espoused by Dr. King, so I suppose every single day is Martin Luther King day to me. But every year I try to sit down and just reflect for a few moments on how I am doing on my journey to non-violent actions and thoughts.

I will be honest that I am frequently angry. I am angry as hell, to be exact. I harbor resentment and anger towards people who I feel are hateful, racist and mean-spirited. All year long I've been reading Dr. King's speeches about how we should not only try to participate in non-violent actions, but we should also attempt to not have violence of spirit by harboring hatred and resentment towards other people. I just wish I knew how to do it.

I just don't know how to love people who hurt other people. Because education is one of my passions, I find it hard to love people who think that certain groups of students such as English learners and African Americans, or even poor White students, can't learn. I don't even want to show love toward people at work who do everything in their power to undermine student and parents rights to be able to participate in quality bilingual education programs. I can't find any compassion in my heart for far too many people who seem to hate the kids that are in their schools, but seem to love the paychecks that they make off the backs of said children.

This week I have been reading "The Essential Gandhi", a collection of speeches, writings and biographical incidents of Mohandas Gandhi, a man whose philosophy greatly influenced that of Dr. King. In one of his essays, he wrote about how at one point in his life that he used to have a bad temper. According to Gandhi, the non-violent philosophy is a skill to be learned, just like other skills such as reading must be learned through practice. Apparently with enough practice and application, anger can be redirected and transformed into compassion towards those who have harmed us. I can only wish that one day I will get to that point.

The problem with all of this theory though is that I just can't figure out how to apply it. I find it extremely hard and even unrealistic to think that I will ever feel compassion and lack of anger towards certain people. How is it even possible to not feel anger when facing injustice or hatred? Logically injustice would compel someone to feel anger. How will it ever get to the point where my skin is thick enough for me to not let injustice or hatred bother me??

I will keep trying. And hopefully one day I will be able to get to the point where I feel compassion and love. I know that it will take time, practice and patience but one day I will get there.

When Anonymous Blogging Isn't Enough

I once had an anonymous blog that I kept for many years. The blog was so fulfilling to me, and along the way I met many, many people who I felt very connected to. It was always a strange feeling to meet more kindred spirits online than I actually knew in my lifetime. I really miss it.

I stopped blogging because some of my readers wanted to begin to meet me.  I had fabricated an anonymous identity, writing little white lies here and there-enough to protect my true identity. I was always afraid that someone from my real life would find the blog, so I left fake little clues about my identity. And then when I started getting too close to people, I just couldn't stand the thought of having to admit that I had twisted the truth a bit. So I just stopped blogging.

I really miss the community that I had established on my blog. I came into contact with many strong, smart and sassy women and men. It was through that blogging community that I changed my views on having children when I met so many strong, independent women who were happy as mothers. And for the past year I feel as if I have lost a big part of my life, and I yearn to get it back.

I just can't go back to my old blogging persona because I can't face the fact that I told a few fibs. It makes me sad that I have to completely wipe the slate clean because I don't want my previous community to know who the real me is. I want to start fresh from the beginning by telling the truth about who I am to my readers and community, and letting them really get to know me both online and in person.

The process of unveiling myself to other people is intimidating-especially when I have blogged anonymously for years. It feels scary to me to write about what is deeply personal or important to me when I know that someone who I actually know might be able to read it. I need to learn to move past the fear because I really need to do what makes me happy. And having a personal blog used to make me really happy.

So here's to 2012 and starting my second journey towards having a personal blog. This time it's a little more scary than the first because in the back of my head I will always know that whatever  I write just might be read by someone who I personally know. All I know is that I want to start doing what makes me happy, and writing about personal stuff used to make me happy.   Cheers!!