Somebody That I Used to Know

I really love miserable heartache songs=) Here is one of my favorites:

I Want a Baby

I want a baby. The words have been coming out of my mouth for about the last year or so, but today is the first time that I actually mean it. Today it feels different though, because I can feel in my heart that I am ready to make the necessary lifestyle changes that I need to make in order to get pregnant. And I'm really excited about it!

Unfortunately, I have allowed myself to gain a pretty significant amount of weight for the last decade. I eat horribly and I never exercise. My stress is totally out of control, which has harmed my immune system and has resulted in frequent cold and other illness. I am extremely tired all of the time and have been starting to feel depressed. Because I am so tired all of the time, I am not the most organized or tidy person at home. I feel like I am in pretty bad shape.

About a year ago, my boyfriend and I decided that I better get my health and organization in order before getting pregnant. I obviously never did. I may have actually even gotten a little worse over the past year. I am on and off the healthy eating wagon and exercise train, often falling off and not really getting back on. I just couldn't get the motivation to lose the necessary weight, so we pushed back our family plans for another year-while I once again vowed to get my health back on track before. But I still haven't done anything about it.

Today I am going to commit to making changes in my life so that I can be a happy, healthy and good mother. I am really excited to change!

When Your Father is a Stranger

I can't remember how long it's been since I last spoke with my father. I know I last spoke with him over a year ago, but it may have been more like two years ago. At the time I hung up on him although we didn't really have a fight. I just got sick and tired of him asking me to visit him and complaining that I never made time for him. I'm honestly not even sure if I have missed him or felt guilty for avoiding him all this time.

Yesterday his wife sent me a text and invited me over to his house for my father's sixtieth birthday. The text was cordial and hopeful, and completely out of the blue. My initial reaction was to feel a strange sense of guilt and a brief thought that I should visit him. "You are going to regret it one day if he ever dies," I heard my boyfriend's voice in my head. Then I felt stressed out about going, and contemplated whether or not I should lie and text her back that I will be going out of town for the next couple of weeks. I still haven't responded.

My feelings about my father are complex and confusing. I don't know if I love him or hate him. I don't know if I am hurt deep inside and pretend that I don't care about him or whether I just don't have any feelings whatsoever for him. The only time that I really miss him is when I want to ask him a question about money or investing, two of his favorite topics and the major focus of most of our conversations over the years. I don't know if I want to end or strengthen my relationship with him.

My father left home when I was three years old and my brother was two weeks old. I don't really know what happened, but my mother says that he didn't want to grow up and accept responsibilities while my aunt says that my father cheated on my mother. My younger brother and I stayed the night with my father every Wednesday night and every other weekend. I never really felt like my father was family and always felt uncomfortable in his house. He remarried twice, eventually settling down with his current wife, raising her daughter and becoming a member of his wife's close knit family.

When I was in the eighth grade and at the peak of rebelliousness, my mother sent me to live with my father and his wife for a year. At the end of the year, I chose to return to my mother's house, although my mother was verbally, emotionally and at times physically abusive. When I left his house, he said to me, "If you leave my house, you will never be able to return". I can't remember what I said to him, but I recall him crying and telling me that he didn't know how to be a father because his father had died when he was three years old.

After that incident, I rarely visited my father, only visiting once or twice a year during holidays whenever he insisted. I visited out of guilt that I had to visit. I remember sitting there feeling out of place while his wife, her daughter and her extended family celebrated as a family unit. My father would often sit to the side to talk to me, but I never felt comfortable. Every holiday I ping ponged back and forth between my mother and father's house. Eventually I started lying to my father and later to my mother, claiming that I would be out of town for the holidays or that I had the flu or a migraine. My holidays have been much happier to me as I have celebrated them alone, or with my boyfriend, cousin or friends.

About ten years ago, I told my mother that my father didn't mean anything to me. "Oh, you can't be serious. You are just hurt and think that you don't care because it's a defense mechanism. Just imagine if he died and you didn't have him around anymore. Your heart would be broken," she exclaimed. My mother didn't believe me when I said that he was more like an acquaintance to me and that it wouldn't affect me much if he died. I've always wondered if I really mean it or not. I sort of think I do.

The last time that I spoke to him, he was insistent that I visit soon. He complained that I never visited, although he frequently asked to see me. And I just completely snapped for some strange reason. I told him that he didn't worry about spending time with me all of his life. I informed him that I had better things to do than sit and pass time with someone who is practically a complete stranger to me, and then I hung up on him.

Every year he has sent me a Christmas gift, depositing a stock certificate in my bank account. One year he sent a birthday card, but last year he didn't. I haven't read the last couple of cards that he sent me, and they are all in a bag in my room. He has called a couple of times and last Christmas he texted me. On Christmas I responded "thank you" to him. I feel stress when I think about reading his cards, taking his calls or seeing him. I have no idea why.

I don't know if I should visit him for his sixtieth birthday. In one way, I feel that my life is happier without him in it, although he has really never done anything wrong to me. I feel pressured that I am supposed to like or love someone who seems like a stranger to me. But I also feel guilty because he is trying to reach out to me, and yet I am avoiding him and pushing him away. I am going to mull it over and hope that I will be able to figure it all out by tomorrow.

On Turning 36: Dreams, Premonition, or Paranoia?

For over twenty years I've had three reoccurring dreams that have haunted me. One dream is where I call 911 during an emergency and can't reach a dispatcher. The other dream is about all of my teeth falling out or being sharp, fragile and jagged. The third dream, that I can actually never remember even dreaming, has something to do with me dying a horrible death at the age of 36. I never seem to actually remember the death dream, but every once in a while I have a deep sense of dread and a feeling that I have dreamed about it. Most of the dreams stopped in my late 20s, although I had the 911 call dream again for the past two nights.

The dream about the 911 call began when I was in elementary school, not too long after the emergency number was established in our area. Sometimes I dreamed about men in the field next to my house who had robbed the local store and who were trying to kidnap me, but when I called 911 the phone rang and rang and no one answered. Or I would dream about calling 911 over a big fire down the street and the phone was constantly busy. On other occasions I dreamed that I called 911 when someone was breaking into my house, and I was placed on hold while I screamed in terror. I never was able to get a hold of a dispatcher in any of my dreams, and I never knew what happened with whatever emergency was happening. Last night I strangely had the dream again after not having it for many years.

I can't recollect when I first started dreaming about my teeth falling out or becoming jagged and pointy. I faintly remember having the dream in middle school and sporadically throughout high school. The dreams started frequently throughout college, and were frequent enough for me to visit a counselor. "Perhaps the dream symbolizes that you have no control over something in your life. Perhaps you are afraid of losing something that is special to you," the counselor suggested. I always suspected that it had something to do with me never having had a cavity in my life as well as dentists and people frequently commenting on how straight my teeth were. The teeth dreams ended abruptly about two years after I graduated from college. I always thought it was bizarre that five years after my dreams stopped that my father had gingivitis and most of his teeth fell out. Last night my dream consisted of me not being able to talk to the 911 dispatcher because my teeth were falling out.

The third dream, the one that I really never remember having but feel that I have had, started when I was in late elementary school and ended when I was almost thirty. I can actually never remember waking up and remembering having the dream; I've just always carried around a sense of dread, and sort of a memory like deja vu, of seeing my life flash before my eyes at the age of 36. Logically I assumed that I was having a memory of a dream that I had, but I could never pinpoint a time when I had the dream. In over five years I haven't had the sense of having the dream, although I carry around the dread of becoming 36 years old.

I've always wondered if my feeling of having the dream of dying signifies that I have actually had the dream, or if I am having a premonition of my death. My mother and aunt have always claimed that they can "sense things" that are going to happen, like when the time my mom wouldn't let me go to the movies because she had a "bad feeling" and we later found out that there was a drive-by shooting. Or the time that my aunt dreamed about my cousin's lost dog that was in a shelter on a street with a certain name, and the dog was found in a shelter on that street over 100 miles away from my cousin's house, and 600 miles away from my aunt. I've often wondered if it's just a coincidence or if they can really sense things.

When I was in high school, I started to think that I might possibly be able to sense things that were going to happen. It started when I used to sneak my boyfriend over to my house every once in a while and I would suddenly have a strange feeling that I needed to get him out of the house. All five times that it happened, my mother would abruptly show up after calling off sick from work. I always managed to barely escape getting caught with many things that I was doing because I always had a feeling at a certain time.

Over the years I have continued to have strange feelings or dreams. I can recall a time when I mentioned to my boyfriend that I felt a pending sense of dread for no reason, only later to find out that someone that I knew died around the time that I made that statement. I can immediately sense if a person is going to back stab or take advantage of a friend, and I'm typically correct about 90% of the time. I can go on and on with many examples, but when it all boils down to it I am still confused about whether I can sense something or whether it's all just a coincidence.

In my world there's a fine line between dreams, premonitions, coincidence and paranoia. About three years ago, when I was 33, I began to experience anxiety for the first time in my life to the point that I have had to temporarily take anxiety medication for a couple of weeks on two occasions. I wondered if the dream or feeling of dying at 36 was actually going to happen. Why else would the age of 36 be etched in my brain? Am I being paranoid, or am I having a premonition? Or am I just having a silly reoccurring dream that I really can't remember?

I will be turning 36 in a couple of weeks and I am experiencing anxiety about it. I'm at the point in my life where I am considering having a child, and I feel anxious about getting pregnant while I am 36 years old. What I haven't admitted to anyone, including my boyfriend, is that I have been at home alone for the past week organizing my house and have even thought about making a will, just in case it's not only paranoia that I am feeling and I suddenly fall over and pass away.

Another part of me feels that I am not going to die a tragic death, but that my life is going to completely change direction when I am 36. For the first time in my life, I am planning on having a child and getting pregnant when I am 36. I am contemplating whether or not I am in the right profession, or whether or not I should change careers or jobs-a consideration that I wouldn't even have thought about five years ago. Family is becoming more important to me, and I feel more in love and vulnerable with my boyfriend of almost 15 years. I am starting to purge toxic friends and people from my life. I am thinking of moving for the first time in my adult life and it's causing me a considerable amount of stress because I have always lived alone.

On Thursday I went to see a hypnotist, who suggested that perhaps I have always had a premonition that my life will change course at the age of 36. Perhaps my mind always secretly knew that I would want to have a child at the age of 36. Maybe my old life will die when I consciously decide to bring a child into this world-a feat that I thought I would never want or do because I was afraid that I would reinforce the cycle of abuse that I had faced as a child. Or maybe I have just subconsciously waited all of my life to make some serious changes in my life when I turn 36.

In order to curb the anxiety that I am feeling about turning 36, the hypnotist urged me to do something special to celebrate my upcoming birthday. She recommended that I mark the day as the first day of my new life, and celebrate it with something fun and positive to mark the day where I will become at peace with myself and my life. I am trying to reframe the day as the first day of my new life-the year where I will lose weight and be healthy, shake the anxiety and paranoia about becoming 36, and choose to have healthier relationships and work environments in my life.

It's really hard for me to shake the anxiety, but today I booked an appointment with a day long session at the spa to get a massage, body wrap, facial, and a mani/pedi. I also invited three of my closest friends who are supportive and bring absolutely no drama into my life to for a dinner birthday with my boyfriend and I. And, my boyfriend and I will spend a night at the beach the weekend after my birthday.

I'm really trying to be positive about my upcoming birthday. I'm really taking to heart the suggestion from the hypnotist that I choose to start my life anew on my 36th birthday, breaking bad habits that I have and changing what I really want to change in order to live a more full life. In the next upcoming days I am going to be reflecting and blogging on some of the steps and goals that I would like to set for myself, to change my mindset about turning 36. I am excited to start my new life=)

If I Were in Charge of the World

I love the poem "If I Were in Charge of the World". I've never really dabbled in creative writing, but the poem really makes me want to rewrite it into my own version. If I were in charge of the world, how would the world be?? I'm going to think about this for a bit; meanwhile, check out the original children's poem:

If I Were in Charge of the World

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.


I will be writing my own version soon. If you were in charge of the world, what would this world be like??

Ping Pong Balls in my Mind

My mind is like a ping pong ball. Well, maybe it's more like there are ping pong balls in my mind, constant thoughts swirling, twirling and crashing against one another in my mind. Or so the hypnotist says.

Tonight I went to see the hypnotist to see if she could help me learn some healthier eating and exercise habits. After speaking with her for about 15 minutes, she told me that it was as if I have ping pong balls bouncing around in my mind. "No wonder you can't focus enough to commit your mind to making you practice healthy habits," she said. "Living a healthy lifestyle is more about your mind than anything else. When you can't calm and focus your mind on a goal, you will fall flat on your face".

I used to think that my mind was more like a chess board or a chess game. My mind is constantly running and playing out every possible scenario to everything in my life. "If you do x, then z will happen. In order to help you deal with z, then do y", it whispers to itself all day long. And it's not just about one topic. It's as if strategic plays for 25 different topics are constantly pinging around all day. No wonder why I feel so mentally exhausted by the end of evening.

About seven years ago a counselor told me something similar. He happened to mention that he thought perhaps I was a little bit bipolar, but without the depression and down time. He thought I had a slight bit of manic thinking. "But it's also what has made you professionally and financially successful. It's also what might make you sort of artistic and philosophical. I'd hate to give you medicine that might make you feel as if you're walking around in a fog". Instead, he recommended that I snap myself with a rubber band around my wrist if I noticed lots of thoughts in my mind. I never did it of course.

Tonight the hypnotist put me into a trance (I think). I'm trying to have an open mind, but I suppose that I have traditionally thought about a trance as if I am unconscious and easily suggestible. I just sat and listened to her. But then suddenly my mind started to calm the ping pong balls that I had etched into my mind and instead I just wanted to calm down and focus on tons of bright swirling lights that made me happy. Tonight my mind now feels more calm and centered.

Maybe it's the placebo effect. Maybe hypnotism does work. Or maybe it doesn't. All I know is that it forced me to sit in a chair, listening to a calm voice while I calmed and settled my mind. And that is all that really matters.

April Challenge: Blogging from A-Z

Yesterday I found a blog online called Blogging from A-Z that has an April blogging challenge that I am really excited about. For the past couple of years I have been blogging professionally and I just recently started this blog so that I can blog about personal issues. It seems like both professionally and personally I have been suffering from writer's block since maybe September or so, and I definitely need a little inspiration.

From what I gather so far, blogs who choose to participate in the challenge are all linked together on a list. Starting on April 1st, everyone who is participating will begin to blog about topics that are associated with letters of the alphabet-for example, on day one-April 1st-bloggers should all blog about something that is associated with the letter A. All bloggers on the list then visit a number of blogs that are on the list next to their blog and leave comments. It seems like a fun way to encourage one another's writing as well as find some great blogs to read.

I've been wracking my brain all day to think of my first topic. It's so funny that I can immediately think of a topic for my professional blog, which would be "Affective Filter", a second language acquisition theoretical term. But being so work-centered is the reason that I've burned myself out in the first place and so I'm really trying to keep it to personal topics, or maybe professional topics that can be twisted around to my personal life.

I am really excited about this blogging challenge! My professional blogs have a community already established and so once I started this person blog, it made me a little sad because I feel like I don't have a community. I'm looking forward to meeting new people, reading new blogs, and finding a new community that doesn't necessarily revolve around my professional life.

If you are interested in participating in the blogging challenge, or want additional information, you can find more info here: